Four and a Half
by thomthom830
Summary: [StephMorellific] An in between story.  My first Stephanie Plum story.  Please be kind and review. Disclaimer: I absolutely do not own any of Ms. Evanovich's characters, I'm just borrowing them.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is my first Stephanie Plum story and I hope its good. I'm working very hard on it and hope that everyone enjoys.

Stephanie Plum had a problem. Actually, she had many, many problems, but none seemed nearly as important as the one she was dealing with now. 

Stephanie, big, bad bounty hunter, Plum, was being chased by the woman I was supposed to be chasing.

My day started off as normal as it could have. I got up, showered, did the blow dry, hairspray, gel thing and applied liberal amounts of black mascara. I did everything a Jersey girl should do to ready herself for the day to come.

On my way through the kitchen, I stopped and peered into the refridgerator. There was nothing decent to eat for breakfast, but I grabbed the remaining grape and plopped it into Rex's cage. He wiggled backwards out of his soup can and stuffed the grape into his cheek. He didn't even stop to look at me, he just scrambled back into his can to nap.

This was the kind of relationship he and I shared. We didn't want much from each other and it worked. Rex was the best roommate a girl could ask for.

I locked up behind myself and managed to escape my building without having to speak to any of my elderly neighbors. While it was nice that I always had someone to look after Rex and my apartment in my absence, I was always a little afraid I was going to scare them and I'd end up with a bullet in me. I knew full well all of them were packing.

When I got down to the parking lot, I almost thought someone had stolen my car. After sixty seconds of confusion, I realized that the car I was looking for had been blown up two weeks ago and the replacement was right in front of me. 

The sky was a mix of grey-green that seemed very ominous. And the humidity level had risen fifty percent since I'd been awake. I knew it was going to rain. The only thing no one knew was when it was going to start.

I cursed myself for not bringing a hat and got into my car. Currently, I was driving a two door Chevy Cavalier. It was silver and currently matched the nasty grey clouds of the impending storms. So what if a Cavalier didn't strike fear into the hearts of FTAs or was even big enough to haul them in, it was good on gas and was extremely affordable when it came to the choice between the Mustang or it.

And it was too small for scary men to hide in.

I drove to the office on autopilot. I needed another skip. Hopefully, it would be easy because I was desperate for rent money.

When I pushed through the single glass door, I first noticed Lula doing some filing: her nails. Today, they were two-toned orange and yellow and matched the yellow leather shorts and boots she was wearing. She looked up as I walked in, but immediately went back to her nails. I wondered what I could hae possibly have done, but pushed that thought to the back of my mind. I had to focus on bringing in a skip. Any skip. I was desperate for money.

Connie was sitting at her desk and "uh-huhing" into her phone. She looked bored as she painted her own nails a deep red color. She stopped long enough to hold up one finger to signal that she would only be another minute.

After five, she finally put the reciever down.

"The cops just got one of our bonds," she said, looking grouchy.

"Which one?" I asked, hoping it wasn't an expensive, easy one.

"He was wanted for mail fraud. We bonded him for only two hundred dollars," Connie replied.

Lula finally looked up and spoke loudly, like she was trying to compensate for being hard of hearing. "I love this thing!"

Connie and I turned to her and stared in amazement.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked. Then I noticed she was wearing headphones. She was hard of hearing.

"What?" she asked, trying to read my lips.

She got frustrated though and pulled both of the earbuds out in one tug. 

"I bought an iPod," she said.

The music was still playing on the mp3 player and the office was filled with pounding rap music. Or rather the bass to the rap music.

I must have made a face, actually I know I made a face, because she immediately replaced the headphones and cast me a dirty look.

"I guess I'm going out alone today," I said to Connie. "Speaking of that, any new FTAs?"

"Actually, one just came in an hour ago. Lindsey Faust, wanted for B and E."

"How much is she worth?" I asked.

"Twenty-five thousand," Connie replied.

My jaw dropped to the floor.

"Why?"

"She broke into a bank vault. The bank didn't want us to do it, but her father was the co-signer and he was good for it."

"If..."

"I know what you're going to ask, and I have no idea of the answer. I don't know why she felt the need to break into a bank if her father had money and was willing to shell it out," Connie answered.

"Oh," I said, taking her folder. I opened it and looked at the woman in the photograph. Twenty three years old. She had brown hair streaked with blonde, in thousands of tiny curls all over her head. Blue eyes. She was about 5'2" and weighed probably 165 pounds Wonderful. I could do this if she wasn't built like a brick wall. The girl's eyes stared out of the photo and looked at me. She had the face of a girl who'd never had to do any physical activity in her short life. No wonder she got caught. She couldn't run.

She lived in a house not too far from my parents. This girl must not be Burg-raised. No Burger, if their parents had money, would be stupid enough to break into a bank.

I walked back outside and was greeted by a figure in black. Ranger. He was leaning on the roof of my car, mostly because the hood was too low to the ground to work as a leaning place. 

I had an awful thought flash through my mind. Ranger was bigger than my car.

"Yo," he said.

"Yo yourself," I answered back.

"On your way out?" he asked.

"Yup. I'm going to pick up a skip. It's worth a couple months rent," I said, trying to not make eye-contact. Making eye-contact with Ranger always led to problems.

He smiled at me and poked me in the nose before he walked into the office.

I never knew what to make of these Ranger situations.

I unlocked my car and climbed in. I was headed out to the old neighborhood.

As I drove in the direction of Lindsey's house, my phone started ringing. I checked the caller ID; it was my mother.

"Hello?" I said into the reciever.

"Stephanie, this is your mother," she said.

"I know. What can I do for you, mom?"

"We are having ham tonight and I expect you to be there. I've already talked to Joseph," she said.

"You called Morelli?" I asked.

"Of course I called Joseph. If I left it up to you, no one would be there," she explained.

"I might not be done..."

"I am also making pineapple upside down cake," my mother told me.

"I'll be there at six," I said and clicked the phone shut.

I was a sucker for pineapple upside down cake.

But back to business. I pulled up in front of the girl's house and could hear some pop music blasting from the open windows. I double checked the girl's age and yes, she was twenty three years old.

This should be simple. I made sure I had all of my things were in order in my pocket book and marched to the front door.

A nice middle-aged woman answered the door. Clearly this was the mother.

"Hello, I'm Stephanie Plum. I work for Vincent Plum..."

The woman cut me off.

"You're here for Lindsey, aren't you?" she asked.

"Well, yes," I said.

"And you're a bounty hunter."

"Yes. Is Lindsey here?"

"Yes, but you can't talk to her."

"She needs to come with me to reschedule her court date. She was supposed to be there yesterday, and failed to appear," I explained.

"She had to go to class yesterday, she's in college, you know," her mother explained.

"Mom, what's going on?" Lindsey asked. She was dressed in too tight pink velour sweats. She looked like a slightly smaller version of Lula.

"Miss Plum thinks she's going to take you to court to reschedule," the mother said.

"Oh really?" Lindsey asked, and drew a knife out of nowhere. 

She lunged towards me, pushing the screen door open. I started moving backwards quickly, then turned around to run in the right direction.

Lindsey was hot on my heels, still holding the knife, ready to stab lots and lots of holes in me.

And that is how my seemingly normal day became even more normal: I was being chased by the person I was supposed to be chasing. Isn't that lovely?

Just when I was gaining some headway, I tripped over something and Lindsey came to a halt above me.

As the knife swung down at me, I heard another girl scream at Lindsey from a car that had pulled up. Lindsey had enough time to tear my jeans and my t-shirt as it started to rain. Great. On top of everything, it was raining.

Lindsey was listening to the girl in the car and moved quickly to hop into the pink Jeep Wrangler. And before I could get the rain out of my eyes and memorize the license plate, the Jeep was a pink blur in the distance.

I'd lost another one.

A/N: Please review. I love reviews. Especially good ones. 


	2. Chapter 2

Oh my gosh! Thanks so much for the wonderful response that I got for the first chapter. Everyone was so nice. I hope this next chapter pleases everyone just as much, if not more! 

**Chapter 2**

Now, while I realize it isn't unusual for me to be lying bruised and ripped in the middle of a street with my skip merrily running away, it is usual for it to be my reality. But that doesn't mean I like it.

And it was raining. My hair, which was bad to beging with, had turned to awful and I imagined it looked like I had probably stuck my finger in a light socket.

And on top of all my problems, I was hungry. My stomach grumbled in acknowledgment of my thought. It was angry about its lack of nourishment.

I did a mental inventory of my pocket book. Lipgloss. Tube of mascara. Stun gun. Pepper spray. Handcuffs. Gun. Wait, no gun. It was still in the cookie jar. But maybe I had a bullet or two. Just when I thought there was nothing that could stop my stomach from growling angrily at me, I remembered the Altoids that had once been in my purse. Maybe there was one still rolling around that could hold me until dinner.

Maybe I could sell my second hand blender. My mother gave it to me in hopes that I would actually make something in it. Naturally, I looked at it as something I could hock for some lunch money. Probably it was worth, at the very least, a Happy Meal from Mickey D's. Maybe if I threw in my Walkman I'd have enough for a meatball sub from Pino's. Even the thought of roaches as big as barn cats in th kitchen didn't deter me from craving a sub from Pino's.

I decided laying the street still was not in my best interest, so I stood and looked at myself. I was soaked completely and had collected mud in the wrinkles of my t-shirt. I was a disaster, to say the least.

And worst of all, I was disappointed in myself. I felt like I was never doing anything right and never making anyone happy.

I sulked back to my car and climbed in. I wanted that Altoid.

I dumped my purse on the seat and flipped through everything. And there it was, the glorious cinnamon Altoid. And it was only a little furry. I blew on it and popped it into my mouth. I tried to convince myself it was steak and mashed potatoes. It almost worked.

I put the key in the ignition and drove myself home. I was careful to drive around my parent's house, so as not to be spotted by a curious Grandma Mazur or nosy neighbor.

I figure, despite not causing so much of a scene, my mother will know about today's fiasco by dinner. No need to get into it now with her.

I made a mental note to remember my gun tonight.

It was raining buckets when I pulled into the small parking lot behind my apartment building. It was an older, plain brick building on the outskirts of the Burg, but it was my home. And that was all that mattered to me.

I skipped the elevator, not wanting to talk to Mrs. Bestler or hear about the new shipments of stock in her "department store".

I climbed the stairs to the second floor and walked the short hallway to my own apartment.

I let myself in and smiled at Rex's little furry butt that was hanging out of his soup can. He had the cutest butt I've ever seen.

I locked the door behind me and went to check out my answering machine. It blinked back at me furiously. I had three messages just waiting to be listened to.

The first was my mother.

"Stephanie, this is your mother. I'm leaving you a message as a reminder that you're supposed to be at dinner tonight at six. Dress nicely," she said and hung up.

The next message was from Ranger and all it said was, "Yo." But Ranger never said more than that. I'd probably actually be concerned if he had uttered more than the one syllable.

And the third message was Joe.

"I'll be at your apartment to pick you up at quarter to six. Be ready," he said and clicked off.

I realized several places on my body had gone all tingly at the sound of his voice. And I don't think it was because I was cold.

Joe and I had a very strange relationship. He was my sometimes, but mostly not, boyfriend. There was a sort of unspoken agreement between the two of us, but it was getting to the point where someone should speak up.

I thought about my growling stomach once more, but decided a shower was a greater necessity.

An hour later, I emerged from the shower, feeling somewhat refreshed and repaired hair and mascara.

But then I realized I was tired from being chased. A little nap wouldn't hurt, would it?

I decided to lie down and watch some daytime television. That would definitely make me sleep.

The next thing I knew, someone was shaking me awake. That is my least favorite way to wake up. Who knows who was going to be doing the shaking and waking?

I had a horrible thought that it was some incredibly unwanted intruder, who was probably there to kill me. Maybe it was Lindsey.

My eyes flew open and I realized it was just Morelli.

"Don't you ever knock?" I sighed and held my hand to my heart, which was currently trying to beat its way out of my chest. That could have been caused by the fight or flight reponse or by the fact Morelli was standing in my bedroom looking better than I'd remembered. I suppose it was probably the latter.

"I don't have to, Cupcake," he smiled. "I have a key."

I gave him the dirtiest look I could muster in my half-awake, half-asleep state and then realized what time it was.

It was five forty-five!

I stood up and ran to the mirror. My previously wonderful hair was completely flattened to the left side of my head and my mascara had rubbed off around my eyes. I was a half run-over raccoon. Scratch that. I was a fully run-over raccoon.

"Ready to go?" Morelli asked, taking in the sight of me.

"Smartass," I said and hurried to push him out of the room so I could change.

"You don't have anything I haven't seen before!" he yelled through the closed door.

_'Sure, Morelli, keep acting like an ass and you'll never see it again,'_ I thought to myself.

Five minutes later, I had locked up my apartment and was currently being ushered into Morelli's truck.

We sat in silence for the first part of the ride to my parent's house.

But then he spoke. "Must have been some morning if you had to go home and sleep it off," he smiled and cut off the engine.

Great. Morelli was feeling playful tonight.

This should make for yet another interesting evening at the Plum house.

A/N: Please review. Thanks in advance.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The house smelled very homey and ham-y when I walked in. I smiled at the familiarity, but smells can be deceiving.

The television was turned up extra loud and something that sounded like a cat being tortured to the tune of Madonna's "Express Yourself" was resonating from the dining room. 

I didn't think anyone in my family liked to torture animals, except for Vinnie, and probably he wasn't here, so I stepped through the doorway.

And Morelli caught me by the waist as I tried to run past him out the front door.

Grandma Mazur was singing...I think. It would probably be referred to as singing. She was wearing one of Sally Sweet's cone bras and was singing to some music that was blaring on a boombox in the corner.

I put my finger to my eye to stop the twitching but it didn't help. What made it stop was smacking Morelli hard in the ribs to stop his laughing. 

I successfully knocked he air out of Joe and was certain of it because of the "oof" sound behind me.

Grandma Mazur finished the song and looked to Joe and I expectantly.

The only response we could offer was open-mouthed staring. In the absence of our speaking, she spoke.

"So, what did you think?" she asked.

What do you say when you have just witnessed a car crash of a performance? Okay, normally I'd say the truth was a great idea. But since it was my grandmother...

"What are you doing?" Joe asked, clearly amused. 

Thank goodness for Joe. I still hadn't made up my mind about what to say and he spoke up for me.

"I am rehearsing for Sally's band. I'm gonna sing back up," Grandma smiled.

"Where's mom?" I asked. I had to get away from the party hats that were strapped to my grandmother's chest. The worst part was I was about 99.9 certain that her boobs weren't actually in the cone bra. They were probably closer to her knees.

Grandma pointed to the kitchen and I threw Joe a look over my shoulder. It was a mix of 'I'm sorry' and "Holy shit' all rolled into one. He smiled and retreated to the living room to watch the ballgame. I pushed through the kitchen door and caught my mom doing a shot of her cooking sherry. 

"How long has she been rehearsing?" I asked as she swallowed her drink.

"Since your friend Sally moved out. He left her that hideous bra and the Madonna tape. It hasn't been quiet since then," my mother answered and took another swig of the sherry.

"Great," I sighed.

I eyed the back door, but remembered I rode with Joe. And besides, my mom looked at me and gave me the death glare.

"Take the scalloped potatoes out to the table," she said, eyeing the liquor cupboard.

I returned the death glare and pushed back through the door.

My grandmother was once again dancing around, attempting to gyrate to some more Madonna music. I felt bad for Madonna.

Over the Madonna song I could hear the cheering crowd of the game on TV and over both of them, I could hear my father and Morelli snoring. Wonderful.

"We're going to eat very soon, Grandma. Do you want to go change first?" I asked.

"No. I think I'll stay in this bra. It makes me feel sexy," she said.

"Please go change, mother," my mom said, coming into the room.

'Thank God,' I thought once more. I don't think I could stomach watching my grandmother eat in that bra. Everything jiggled. Shudder.

She huffed off and my mother made the sign of the cross.

At exactly six o'clock, everyone shuffled into the dining room. My dad staked his place at the head of the table and and grabbed his helpings of ham and potatoes. As usual, he ate in silence and seemingly ignoring the rest of the conversation going on at the table.

Grandma Mazur sat opposite my mother and kept shooting dirty looks at her.

"Your mother doesn't like the idea of me being in a band," she said.

A smile played at the corners of Joe's lips, but he fought the urge to laugh this time.

Then his pager buzzed.

"May I use your phone?" he asked, standing up.

"Of course, Joseph," my mother said.

He smiled and went through to the kitchen.

I watched my mother as she continued to eat.

She appeared calm and collected on the outside, but on the inside she was going through all the reasons she should dislike Joe Morelli. There was the Morelli family reputation, then the reputation that Joe himself had gotten. And if she'd know about choo-choo in the garage and the event behind the eclair case, he'd have his head mounted on the wall above the TV like a deer. But tonight, he was just so damn polite. 

And besides, I had no intention of ever explaining my sexual encounters with Morelli to my mother. She probably wouldn't believe me anyway.

I would still kill Morelli if he was slipping out the back door, polite or not.

Everyone continued eating in silence. Everyone except me. I was listening for the sound of the back door opening.

Another few moments passed and Joe returned to the table and smiled a strained smile.

"What's up?" I asked. I knew that face. It was the face a cops makes when they have bad news.

"It's not dinner conversation. I'll tell you later," Joe said, his voice not matching his face. It takes great restraint to keep your voice so calm when you look like you might have to murder someone.

And to top it all off, I didn't believe him. Joe never really told me anything. Especially if I really wanted to know. And I definitely had to know what was making him crazy.

More silence followed through the rest of the meal. No longer was Joe smiling about Grandma Mazur and my mother and I was starting to be seriously worried. I didn't even really enjoy my pineapple upside-down cake.

When the cake was said and done and the leftovers were wrapped up and handed to me, Morelli walked me to his truck. He let me in and walked to the other side and slid in beside me.

"What's going on? You're wearing your cop face, but not using your cop voice. It's very confusing," I explained.

He waited for another five minutes to explain himself. I was on the edge of my seat to know what was going on and he just sat there.

Then we drove past my apartment building.

"Um, have you forgotten that I live there?" I said, pointing out the window.

"You're staying at my place tonight," Joe said.

"If this is you being romantic, I want know part in it," I said.

Wew turned the corner and then I saw it. Most of the cops in Trenton were in the parking lot of my building and all the lights were on in my apartment.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Someone's broken into your apartment," Joe said.

"Nothing new there," I sighed. "Did they take anything valuable?"

Who was I kidding? I didn't have anything valuable.

"Well..." Joe started.

"Just get on with it," I said.

"Will you promise not to cry. I can't take it when you cry."

"I can't make that promise," I stated. That's me, tough girl, Stephanie Plum.

"They took Rex," Joe said.

My vision blurred over and I thought I was going to pass out.

Then I realized we were still driving towards his house.

"Turn around!" I shouted.

"Cupcake..."

"Turn around!" I said again. "I need to go back."

Morelli decided to turn around instead of argue with me.

When we reached the lot, I jumped out of the car before it had stopped rolling and took the stairs two at a time when I got inside the building. 

I was still in a state of disbelief when I walked in my apartment door. But the sight of the empty table, where Rex's cage used to sit, drove me straight to madness.

I burst into tears and had to be led away from the empty table.

"This really sucks!" I sobbed.

Rex was my best friend in the whole world. The apartment, despite being full of cops, felt very empty without Rex.

Very, very empty.

"Let's do a walk through and make sure Rex is the only thing missing," Joe said from behind me. "Is there any reason that anyone would be threatening you?" He asked. Then he and several other cops started laughing.

I was sobbing and everyone else was laughing at me.

"Okay, stupid question. What have you done lately?" he asked.

"Nothing, I swear," I said. I hadn't blown anything or anyone up. I hadn't broken in anywhere. I hadn't even started snooping on anyone yet.

"No new FTAs?" Joe asked, finally using his cop voice.

Then it dawned on me.

"Lindsey Faust," I said.

"We found this," a cop said, holding up a pink ransom note. "It's about the rodent."

I snatched it out of his hand and Morelli left and came back with some tissues. I blew my nose and read the note out loud.

"Stephanie Plum,

You took my daughter away and until I see her again, you won't see your ugly rat again.

Miranda Faust."

"Hamster! Hamster! Rex is my adorable hamster. Not an ugly rat!" I screamed.

Movement in the apartment stopped briefly and everyone turned to look at me. I guess I was a little bit terrifying.

Morelli took the note and re-read it to himself.

"Most kidnappers don't sign their ransom notes," Morelli said. "And what's this about you taking her daughter away?"

"Her daugher is a skip, but I didn't get her. She drove off after she tried to kill me," I said. 

Morelli looked at me with a mixture of mostly anger and a little bit of fear. He hated that I was out almost getting killed everyday.

He turned to a random cop behind him and told them to go to Miranda Faust's house and question her. And they would get a search warrant if necessary.

"Come on, Cupcake, you're not staying here tonight," Joe said, pulling me close and kissing my temple.

A/N: Please review. And thanks for all the hits and reviews for the first 2 chapters. I'm very encouraged to keep writing. 


	4. Chapter 4

I am very sorry that I didn't send out individual reviews the last couple of times. You all know who you are and just so everyone knows, I appreciate each and every one of your comments. If I continue to get hits and reviews, I'll continue to write the story. Thanks again,  
thomthom.

Chapter 4

I didn't want to leave my apartment and I certainly didn't want to think about what that evil lady was probably doing Rex. She was probably torturing my baby. Actually, she was probably ignoring him. I'll bet she hadn't even had the decency to give him a grape.

My poor baby.

I collapsed into sobs again, my whole body shaking. Why was I falling to pieces over such a small animal?

Joe kissed my forehead and ushed me out of the apartment.

"Don't worry," he said "We'll find him and he'll be fine."

I was still scared, even though Joe seemed so sure.

Ranger was waiting in the parking lot when we walked out the back doors to the macadam. He was leaning on his newest black vehicle, probably of a questionable nature. But all that aside, he was looking at me with genuine concern in his eyes.

I looked to Joe and saw a flash of jealousy on his face. But immediately, his concerned cop face returned.

"Glad to see you're all right," he said.

"She took Rex," I sniffed. My nose was running again and I could taste my mascara mixed in with the tears and the snot on my lips. I knew from experience that this wasn't a good look for me, but didn't care at the moment.

"Who?" Ranger asked.

"Miranda Faust. Mother of the FTA I went after this morning," I said.

"Address?" Ranger asked Joe.

Joe turned and looked to me for the answer.

"I don't remember it off the top of my head. I know the street. I'd know the house if we drove past it," I said.

"Where's the address written down?" Joe asked, eyeing my bag.

"It's in the apartment. Probably evidence now," I said.

I was starting to feel a little better. We'd all drive over there and I'd reclaim what was rightfully mine.

But in the dark and rain, all the houses on the street looked exactly the same. In fact, each house seemed to bbe the mirror image of the one next to it.

I strained my brain for some distinguishing marks from earlier, but came up with zilch. I was also starting to lose my nerve. (If actually had any to begin with.)

"Cupcake," Joe started, breaking me out of my thoughts. "We've been up and down this street eight times. Do you recognize any of them?"

"Right now, in the dark, they all look the same to me," I said.

"Then we need to get the address elsewhere," Ranger replied.

My first instinct was that he was thinking of going door-to-door. But because I've worked with Ranger before, I think he meant some other way. I knew firsthand that Ranger was very good at gathering information. I still don't know if it was legal or that gray-area, but currently I thought Rex was a good enough reason to tell Ranger to get his info by any means necessary.

But Joe didn't look so gung-ho with the plan like I did. Probably breaking in to someone's home at night for a hamster wasn't a very good (or legal) plan.

"We should wait for the warrant and then go get Rex," Joe said.

I turned to Joe and studied his face. It was the face of someone who knew something and didn't want to tell me.

Then he caught my staring at him.

"Why are you looking at me like you want to murder me?" Joe asked.

"You're withholding information. Normally, I wouldn't push the subject, but since I AM the case, tell me," I demanded. "And in your explanation, you could include why every cop in Trenton was at my apartment. How'd they know before I did?"

Ranger stopped the car and I could see there was a hint of a smile on his lips.

"The station recieved two calls about your apartment tonight. One from one of your neighbors, another from Dickie Orr," Joe explained.

I could feel my face contort and my lip curl back at the mention of his name. My very disgusting, horse's ass of an ex-husband, Richard Orr.

"What did he want?" I asked. 'Aside from seeing me stuffed and mounted on a wall?' I thought to myself.

"Keep in mind that he could get disbarred for the information he gave us, so don't get too pissy. Mrs. Faust wanted to hire him as her lawyer because she was going to break into your apartment and kidnap you. When you weren't there, she took Rex."

"I don't believe you. The bastard would never, ever do anything to help me. Especially if he thought I would get kidnapped at the end of it," I said.

"He just didn't want to be implicated in your disappearance," Joe said. "He made that very clear, I understand. And because you're so entertaining, Cupcake, when they got the calls, everyone and their brother had to go check out the problem."

My eye started to twitch again. I'll bet my mother already knew.

And like she had ESP, the phone in my pocket sprang to life, ringing and vibrating, to tell me that my mother wanted me to pick up.

I hesitantly flipped open the phone.

"Hello, mom," I said.

"I just got a call from Maureen who talked to Betty whose son works with Joseph down at the station that your apartment was broken into. Are you all right?" she asked.

"I'm fine. I wasn't there," I said sadly.

"Did whoever did this take anything?"

"Rex," I said after a long dramatic sigh.

"Well, if you need a place to..." she started.

"Actually, I'm staying at Joe's house," I said. "In his spare room," I added quickly. I didn't need my mother to get the wrong idea about me. Not that she didn't already have the wrong idea about me.

I could hear my mother doing the sign of the cross over the phone and then a sigh on her end.

"I gotta go. I'll talk to you in the morning," I said, and clicked the phone shut.

Probably my mother wasn't worried about Rex. Probably she was worried about what the Burg wives would say when I was living at Joe's house so soon again.

She was probably wondering why she had one normal daughter and then...me. Her other daughter was married with children. Wasn't constantly shot at or blowing up cars. I was the abnormal child. There's one in every family. And in the Plum family, I was it.

But Rex had been hamster-napped. And I was seriously starting to consider a career change. I wonder if they're hiring at the button factory this time of year?

Probably they wouldn't want me anyway. I'm a liability. Even Ranger said. Lord, even Joe thought I was. No one had ever tried to blow up his house before I was living there.

"Earth to Stephanie," Joe said.

Once again, Joe had brought me back to the present. Problem was, I liked being lost in thought. It felt safe. It was way more pleasant than to be thinking about Rex.

"Where to?" Ranger asked.

"Stephanie's building. We'll take my truck back to my place," Joe answered.

I was riding in the back seat and was tuning out the conversation that was beind held up front. I didn't want to hear about their guy stuff.

'I am not tired, I am not tired,' I chanted to myself, which inevitably made me tired. I wanted nothing more than to go home, shower and sleep. I felt my eyelids getting extremely heavy and I started to doze off.

Seconds later, someone was unbuckling me from my seatbelt and hauling me out of the car.

I dared myself to open my eyes to see who had claimed me tonight.

Luckily, it was Joe. If Ranger had done this in front of Joe, it would probably be the last thing he'd ever done. And I liked Ranger, sort of. Well, I liked him as much as a woman who was constantly under his supervision and mentorship could like him.

I said nothing as I was placed in the front seat of Joe's truck and buckled in. And to top it all off, I fell asleep on the next short ride back to Joe's house.

All I remember is being pushed up the stairs to Joe's bedroom and handed a t-shirt to sleep in. I thought about sleeping in my clothes, but since Joe had been nice enough to find me the cleanest dirty shirt on the floor, I might as well change.

And I was asleep the moment my head hit the pillow seconds later.

A/N: Please review. 


	5. Chapter 5

Hey all! This chapter is Rated R for language at the end. So if your eyes and ears are sensative to swearing, which they probably aren't because everyone's used to Steph, Lula and Joe...probably you shouldn't read the end.

Chapter 5

I woke up the next morning with a huge, pounding headache. Something felt wrong and I immediately reached to check for my panties.

They were still there.

"We didn't do anything last night," Joe said from across the room. "You passed out on me."

Mental head slap.

"Sorry," I said. Then I remembered why I was staying at Joe's house and I was filled with sadness again.

"I talked to Costanza and he went over to Faust's house first thing this morning with a team and a warrant and the house was dark and empty on. Looks like we're going on a hunt. I'm sorry, Cupcake."

"Where do we start?" I asked. 

"I don't know. I don't think any of the cops in Trenton have ever been on a wild hamster chase before, so this is a new experience for everyone. Probably we should canvas motels and check to see if she has any more family in the area."

"We're talking about the mother, here, right? Not Lindsey? Because I still need to find her, too."

"Would you risk Rex over this?"

"I already have."

"So just to make sure I have the details right," he started while pulling on a long sleeve oatmeal colored henley. "You went after a skip and she disappeared after attacking you. The mother assumed when her daughter didn't come home that night, she was in jail. So now to get even, she stole your hamster?"

I nodded as an answer.

"And she places the value of a hamster equal to a daughter?"

"I suppose." Rex meant the world to me and he was like a child.

"Only you," Joe said. "I have to get to work. As always, make yourself at home and I'll leave a key for you."

He kissed me on he forehead and walked out the bedroom door.

I flopped back on the bed and waited to hear the front door open and close. I needed a shower and thought waiting until Joe was gone to get naked was a good plan.

Joe had laid out towels and an extra toothbrush on the counter. So thoughtful.

But then I realized that it was probably an action that wanted a reward later on. And depending on my mood later, he might just get what he wanted.

I took a long, hot shower and debated what I needed to do today. I stood there until the hot water ran out and still hadn't come up with a solid plan.

I stepped out in the towel and rummaged through Joe's things to find a t-shirt to wear to the mall. The shirt I'd been wearing last night had mascara and snot on it and assumed that my apartment was all taped up, so I couldn't get my own stuff. I pulled on my jeans and a Navy shirt with 'Morelli' printed on the left hand-side where a pocket should be. I thought it was small enough that some people might not notice it. I took one last look at my grungy self in the mirror and decided it was definitely a Macy's day. I don't think even mascara would have helped today.

I skipped the coffee and grabbed the spare key Joe laid out on the sideboard table. I left through the front door, but realized my car was at my apartment still. So my options were calling Lula for a ride or going to borrow Big Blue. While Blue seemed like the obvious choice because Uncle Sandor had blessed it with holy water to make it impervious to...well...everything, it was the un-coolest car a thirty year-old could drive. I grabbed my phone out and dialled Lula.

She pulled up at Morelli's ten minutes later with the bass banging loudly. I approached the passenger door and she gave me an appraising look.

"Branded you, eh?" she said over some incoherent rap music.

"What?" I said.

She turned down the stereo a notch and pointed to my left breast.

I guess the 'Morelli' was still noticeable.

Course, I didn't think Lula had any right to make comments about my clothes. She was wearing a leopard print skin tight dress that hugged every curve. Actually, I wouldn't say 'curve'; I would say it hugged all Lula's nooks and crannies. 

"First, I need to visit Macy's, then we need to go find Miranda Faust," I said.

"Miranda Faust? I thought you were looking for Lindsey?"

"It's a long story. I'm going to need a doughnut, too. Then I'll tell you the story. Are you up for a doughnut?"

"I'll doughnut your ass off," she said and we rocketed away from Morelli's row house.

Fifteen minutes later, Lula and I had a bag of doughnuts between us and I was trying to decide if I wanted the jelly filled one or the one with the sprinkles first. I chose the jelly one. It was definitely a jelly doughnut day.

"So what's with you staying at Morelli's? You don't look like you got some and you don't look like you blew up another car," she said, mouth full of powdered doughnut.

"I didn't get some," I said, "and I didn't blow up my car. Lindsey's mother stole Rex."

"Who's Rex?" Lula asked.

I was momently distracted by the ring of powdered sugar around her lips.

"Rex is my hamster."

"She stole your hamster? And we're going after her because she stole your hamster?"

"Yes!" I shouted.

"I would understand if it was a TV or even a toaster, but a hamster? Aren't they like mice? Where I come from you don't keep mice, you get rid of them," Lula said.

"She stole from me and we are going after her. End of story," I said. "Now I need some more clothes, I don't know when I am going to be able to get into my apartment again, so..."

"I'll shop your ass off," Lula said and we started off towards the mall.

We spent three hours and more money than I could afford at the mall. I know I was going to have shopper's remorse later. In fact, I think I was already feeling it. But our stop to Cluck-in-a-Bucket quieted it for a while.

"So where are we going to go to find your hamster?" Lula asked. 

"I was thinking we could take a drive over to the Faust house. Then maybe talk to the ex-husband," I said.

"Okay, what's the address," she said.

The wonderful thing about the Burg is that nothing is far away and everyone is nosy as hell.

We stopped outside the Faust home and looked up and down the street. I spotted a Crown Vic, a cop car, two houses down. Apparently, they were hoping she'd come home.

So checking out the house was going to have to be put on hold. I decided, though, that I could question the neighbor that they shared the duplex with.

That is until I found out the neighbor was Miranda's mother. Without one spoken word, we were chased off the porch with a shot gun.

I know I saw the cop in the Crown Vic shaking with laughter as we sped away.

"Shit!" I shouted.

"I think I almost messed myself," Lula said.

"I hate when people want to shoot at me," I said, breathing hard and checking to see if I messed myself.

"Call Connie and get the ex's address. And probably we should get you a gun. This mother fucker's probably got dogs or something," Lula said.

A/N: Please review. I'm going on vacation, but I'll be writing when I'm gone and updating when I get back. 


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Lula and I drove for almost forty-five minutes. When we pulled up to Arnold Faust's house, we had a fairly good idea as to what we were getting ourselves into. We'd spent the day driving through the crappy area to the Burg and finally to the high end homes of Trenton. Arnold's house was much larger than Miranda's (meaning he hired a better lawyer) and shared no walls with his neighbors.

Just like all the other high-end homes, Arnold's was gated and we pulled up and got out to push the buzzer.

"Hello?" a female voice said.

"Hi. My name is Stephanie Plum and..." I began, but needed no further explanation because the gate swung open.

Lula and I exchanged glances; either we'd done something right for once or something bad was about to happen. Lula looked pleased. I thought was going to be bad.

A woman in a black maid's uniform, presumably the voice on the intercom, greeted us at the door. She was probably about my age, but seemed much younger. It was probably the lavender contacts she was wearing and maybe the sky-high fuck-me-heels that no one in their right mind could work in.

"Hello, I'm Amy, the housekeeper," she said. "Arnold, I mean Mr. Faust, said to welcome you in if you stopped by. He's in the middle of a conference call right now, but I'll let him know you're here. Can I get you anything?"

Lula went to answer and I stomped on her toe as hard as I could.

"No. We're fine," I answered. It wasn't subtle, but I was hardly ever subtle.

Amy smiled and exited from the sitting room we were in.

"What the hell did you do that for?" Lula said, nursing her big toe.

"We are not asking for anything," I said.

"Why not?" she said.

"Because we cannot have anything to weigh us down when we are inevitably chased off the premises later," I explained.

"Oh, yeah," Lula replied, remembering some of our past experiences.

We stood making awkward small talk for probably ten minutes before Arnold Faust appeared.

He wasn't anything like his ex-wife. While she was short, round, and looked her age, Mr. Faust was tall, relatively thin, and looked like he was in his early forties, rather than the late fifties that the sheet listed. I marvelled at the idea of plastic surgery and how natural it looked on him.

He reminded me of someone. And then it hit me: Prince Charming from Cinderella. I half wondered if he had a glass slipper somewhere in the house for me.

"The famous Stephanie Plum," he replied.

'More like infamous,' I thought.

"That's right," I smiled and reached for his hand to shake it.

"And I'm Lula, Stephanie's partner," she said, bumping me out of the way and taking his hand. I guess she saw Prince Charming when she looked at him, too.

"Pleasure to meet you both. I am Arnold Faust, but everyone calls me Arnie," he said and smiled at us both. "Please have a seat. Do either of you want a drink? Or maybe a snack? Amy could make you a snack."

Lula opened her mouth like she was going to answer and I cut her off. "We're fine. We're just here to ask a couple questions about your wife and daughter."

"Of course," he said and sat down. He was wearing dark grey dress pants with a black cashmere sweater. He sat politely and crossed his legs at his ankles.

"First, when was the last time you spoke to either Miranda or Lindsey?" I asked.

"I spoke to Miranda the day I had to bond out my daughter out of jail and I spoke to Lindsey two days ago," he answered.

"Are you aware that both are currently missing?" I asked.

"I could honestly care less about Miranda. I suppose she drank herself into a stupor and couldn't find her way home," he said casually.

"Do you know where Lindsey would run to?" I said, changing the topic.

"Is she in violation of her bond?" Arnie asked.

"Yes. She missed her court date on the day she spoke to you," I replied. I went to pick her up to have her responded yesterday and she fled. Do you know anyone with a pink Jeep Wrangler?"

"She drives a pink Jeep. Her license plate reads PNKLVR1," Arnie explained. "She loves the color pink."

"Yes, that's what I understand. And since your ex-wife thinks I put her daughter in jail, she stole my hamster."

"She stole your hamster?" Arnie asked.

"Yes. She broke into Stephanie's place and took the rodent, glass tank and all," Lula explained.

I was grateful because when I started explaining the story, little black dots danced in front of my eyes.

"If you don't mind me asking, Mr. Faust..." I started.

"Arnie," he said.

"Arnie, what is it that you do?"

"I own several bars in the area and I'm also a stockbroker for a firm over by your cousin's bail bonds office."

"Do you know where either Lindsey or Miranda could be?"

"Miranda and I have extremely limited contact since we divorced. It was almost as nasty as yours, Ms. Plum," he said. "Only my divorce wasn't because I was doing Joyce Barnhardt."

He was a true Burger. Everyone in the area knew the details of my divorce to Dickie Orr. I think it was even broadcasted on teh news with the sports scores.

But, even after the years had gone by, I still had no idea how to repond to the hordes of people who seemed to know everything about me.

"Miranda was tried and true trailer trash. In the beginning she fooled me. She was pretty and seemed like she genuinely wnated a husband to please and a place to call home that couldn't be towed away. But when we got married, she got pregnant with Lindsey and went back to her old ways. When Lindsey was born, she started spending all day drinking at my bars. I put in for a divorce and Lindsey chose her mother," he said sadly. "I could have given her the attention she so desperately sought and maybe this whole mess could have been avoided.

I watched Arnie and couldn't help but think that he was a genuinely nice guy. But like others, he was probably lying and Lindsey was probably upstairs.

"Does Lindsey have any friends she could be staying with?" I asked.

"She has lots of friends. None that I know by name. She works at a movie theater, you could ask her co-workers if she's been in," Arnie said. "Please find her. Our family doesn't need any more bad press. And good luck finding your hamster."

"Thank you for your time," I said, standing. I pulled a card from my bag. "Call me if you hear from either of them."

He took the card and smiled. "What if I wanted to ask you to dinner?" he said.

And I must have been blinded by the smile because Lula spoke up. "Then you'd have to talk to her boyfriend, Joe Morelli. You know, the cop?"

The smile disappeared and Lula and I exited the house.

To be continued...

A/N: PLEASE review. 


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"So are you up to going to a movie?" I asked Lula once we got back to the car.

"Nah. I got a date. Where do you want me to drop you off?" she asked.

"Morelli's. Maybe I could convince him to go with me," I said.

Half an hour later, I was attempting to get a hold of Joe. I had to leave a message on his pager and five minutes later, I got a response.

"Cupcake, you're like the girlfriend from hell. You never give up," Joe said.

"Nice to talk to you, too," I said into the receiver.

"So what's up?" he asked.

"Are you working tonight?" I asked.

"Nope. I should be home in twenty minutes," he said. He sounded like he was smiling.

"Care to catch a movie?"

"Can we sit in the back row?" he laughed.

"Sure," I said. I was about to do anything to get Morelli to go do reconnaissence work with me.

"See you in a few," he said and disconnected.

Now all I needed was a disguise. 

I was teasing my hair the best I could without a proper hot roller-hairspray combo and checking the mascara I had recently applied when I heard the front door open.

I was wearing my new slut skirt and top combo, finished off with brand new four inch fuck-me-heels. Needless to say, I made Joe's eyes pop out o fhis head. And while his eyes were glued to my cleavage, I noticed Little Joe stand up and pay attention, too.

"How vital is it that we go to the movie tonight?" Joe asked.

"Extremely," I said, eyeing Joe Jr. "See something you like?"

"I see several things that I like and one that I'm not so fond of."

"What would they be, Detective Morelli?" I said, losing the hairspray can.

"He started pointing and feeling the fabric of various articles of my clothes. I felt my nipples go hard and knew Joe could see, but I couldn't bear to look down and see for myself.

"I like everything except for the fact that these aren't all on the floor," he said, kissing my neck.

I felt the heat from the kiss surge straight down south and thought about ditching the plan. But I really needed to find out if Lindsey was coming in to work or not.

I used all of my will power to push Joe away. "Later," I told him.

"Cupcake, this outfit is evil. How can you expect any better of me when you're wearing this skirt? Or this top? Or these heels? Put them all together and you could give me a coronary," he said.

"I thought I was giving you a coronary anyway," I smiled.

He shrugged. I guess there was no reponse for that.

Maybe I should explain the plan. Maybe he could help. Probably he'd tell me to forget it.

That decided it for me. I'll tell him once we sat down in the theater.

We got in Joe's truck and motored off towards the wrong movie theater.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" I asked.

"The outer six. Where do you want to go if not the outer six?" Joe said through clenched teeth.

"The Trenton Megaplex. The new on with the twenty theaters," I said.

"Why would you want to go to that zoo?" Joe asked.

We were stopped at a light at the end of the block and Joe was turned towards me.

I struggled to think and inevitably choked on my lie.

"I heard the popcorn is excellent," I said quickly.

"You are up to something," he said.

"Absolutely not." My ass.

"You want to tell me?"

"No," I said. When in doubt, deny, deny, deny.

"I'm not going to get shot at tonight, am I?" he asked.

"Probably not."

"Shit."

We pulled up to the megaplex and were greeted by a never-ending see of cars.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Steph?"

"Oh, sure," I said, climbing out of the truck and swinging my hips a little more to make myself feel better.

Joe and I walked side-by-side up to the front doors of the movie theater. Movie times were listed behind each of the three ticket counters. 

I stared at them, will them to make sense. I didn't even know what movies were out.

"Had a specific movie in mind?" Joe asked as he slid an arm around my shoulders.

"I was sort of waiting for some inspiration," I said.

"Or divine intervention?" he laughed.

We looked for a minute more and decided on an action movie. Maybe shooting on screen will make me a little more apt to want to do it myself. A girl can hope, right?

We stepped around the ticket booth and then I saw her. She was standing in the concession stand, plain as day, serving some customers some ridiculously over-priced popcorn and drinks.

"Do you want something, cupcake?" Joe asked me.

I must have been staring at the concession stand longingly for Joe to ask me that; usually I just by-pass the corporate food in favor of Tasty Kakes from my purse. Little did he know that I wasn't drooling over the hot, buttered popcorn or the cold drinks. I was trying to remember if I had hand cuffs in my shoulder bag.

"Oh, no," Joe said, looking at me. "I see the wheels turning up there. Probably you should let me know what the deal is? We aren't double-dating with Lula or your grandma, are we?"

Probably I should tell him. At least he'd have the cuffs. 

"You see the curly-haired one?" I asked and tried to point without really pointing.

"Yeah. What about her?"

"She's my FTA," I said.

"Lindsey Faust?" Joe asked.

"Yes. And I fully intend to take her with us when we leave," I told him.

"What makes you so sure I'll help you bring your FTA in?" he asked, smiling and pushing one of my hot-rollered curls behind my ear.

"The promise of sexual gratification afterwards?"

"Sold. But I'm not usually your first choice for fugitive apprehension. Why me today?"

"You have the cuffs. Besides, Lindsey's really important in an attempted bank robbery case as wel as a stolen hamster case. I need help," I explained.

"You sure do, cupcake. Just not the kind I specialize in."

We continued towards our theater out of Lindsey's line of sight. When we were directly behind the concession stand, Joe turned and whispered in my ear.

"So, Ms. Bounty Hunter, wha's the plan?"

"I was sort of hoping since they were your hand cuffs, you'd want to formulate the plan," I said, trying my best to smile sweetly.

It was taking every ounce of my fiber to ignore the warm feeling that was creeping from my ear where Joe's tongue had just been down all of my nervess to my doodah. I was ready to ignore Lindsey and let her run free. All I wanted was to feel what else Morelli's tongue could do.

In high school, my best friend Mary Lou Molnar (now Mary Lou Stankovik) told me that Joe Morelli had a tongue like a lizard. Back then I had no clue what that meant, now I knew that fact to be true. That was probably the truest rumor. Mary Lou had ever told me.

And now, standing in the back of the lobby of the movie theater, nose-to-nose with Morelli, all I could think of was abandoning my non-plan and retreating with Joe to the backseat of his SUV.

"Is this what you're like on every bust?" Joe smiled.

"No." Usually I had Lula with me to help botch things up.

"This'll probably end badly, but for some unknown reason, cupcake, I'm compelled to help you."

"I promised you sex," I said.

"That, too."

I turned to see who was watching Joe and I and noticed a group of female ushers standing back and giggling at Joe. Joe's good looks transcended generations.

"So here's what we do, we politely go up to her and ask her to accompany us outside," Joe said, changing from his usual face to cop face.

"And what happens when she decides she doesn't want to 'accompany' us?" I asked. No FTA wanted to nicely come with me.

"We'll decide that if we come to it," Joe said.

Then it hit me.

"Go hit on her and lure her away."

A/N: Please review. 


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

"Go hit on her and lure her away," I said.

I'd never gotten the reaction that Joe was giving me now. It looked like he had an eye twitch and I think a vein was about to pop on his forehead.

"Did you just say you wanted me to go hit on her?" Joe said.

"Yes. She'll fall for anything you say. I do," I said.

"If only it were that easy, Cupcake," he said back.

"Remember the eclair case? It is that easy. I still don't know how you talked me into that."

"I am not excited about being bait," he said.

"Want some mascara for extra confidence?" I asked him.

"I don't need to hide behind mascara, Steph," he laughed.

I always needed to hide behind mascara. And when I needed to feel really tough, I lined my eyes with extra eyeliner. Tonight, it was electric blue to match my top. Blue eyeliner always made me feel like I wasn't totally helpless.

"Get going, then," I said.

"You are gonna owe me so big..." Joe started.

"Wild gorilla sex?" I suggested and smiled.

"Bigger than that," Joe said.

"There's something bigger than wild gorilla sex?"

"Oh honey, you don't know the half of it. And me walking towards her ensures that you're going to agree to everything I ask later."

"I don't know if I can do that," I replied. You never know what could be running through a Morelli man's mind. Especially when it comes to sex. It was well-known around the Burg, and within the family, that all Morelli men are sex fiends.

"Then I"m not going over there," Joe laughed sadistically. "If you're not willing to deal, I'm definitely not willing to sacrafice myself for a job I don't care about."

I know Joe didn't care for my job, but I thought he was starting to warm to it. I guess not.

"You drive a hard bargain," I said, not choosing my words wisely.

"Is this one of those places where I should hold my tongue? There are so many things I could say," Joe laughed.

I love it when Joe laughs. His chocolate brown eyes have tiny flecks of gold that spark when he laughs and his whole face softens. So even though he's laughing at me, I love the way he looks.

"Please go do this? For me?" I said, pouting a little.

"Wait til your mother hears about what we're doing later," he taunted.

"My mother isn't going to find out about what we're doing later," I said.

"She'll be crossing herself til she can't lift her arm anymore."

He managed to freak me out. And yet, the curiosity took over.

I extended my hand and we shook on the deal. It was probably a deal with the devil. And I was probably a little short on soul now.

Joe gave me one last look an dran his hand through his almost black hair. It didn't do much to fix the shaggy look otehr than make him more sexy. Damn.

He sauntered over around the concession stand. I peered nervously around the corner. I didn't want to see him hitting on someone else. 

But then again, I wondered how he would go about it.

So now here I stood, watching my boyfriend hit on another woman. Wait, not a woman, a twenty three year old girl. And it was all because I told him to. Stupid, stupid Stephanie.

There he was, being himself, smiling and acting charming.

He said something to make her giggle and blush as he leaned on the counter in her direction. It could have been anything. And, through past experience, I knew it really could be anything.

I watched Lindsey look around and then exit the stand. She followed Joe outside. I took that as my cue to also make an exit. Hopefully, Joe would have her apprehended by the time I got out there.

When I exited the doors, I realized someone was screaming 'rape.'

And of course, that someone was Lindsey. Joe had her handcuffed with his badge in his hand; not that anyone would question his profession. He exuded cop. 

I scrambled for my papers in my shoulder bag. I desperately needed the documentation for Lindsey in case someone made a fuss. 

I looked up briefly and saw that Morelli was giving me something that looked like his Grandma Bella's eye. I hoped I wasn't going to be cursed for life because of this. He looked like he had the start of a fat lip and was probably going to do the Italian screaming cop thing later.

I shuddered at what tonight was going to be like later with Joe. I didn't know anything bigger than wild gorilla sex, but I suspected that I was going to learn. And there was no doubt in my mind that I would enjoy it. I was just hoping the bedframe would hold up.

Lindsey was still screaming 'rape' as she barrelled into me and knocked me on my ass. She kept screaming as she rounded the corner. Joe looked at me, then at the screaming figure. A slight smile was playing at the corners of his mouth. He was trying to decide if he should chase her down, which he could undoubtably do, or help me to my feet. Like a good boyfriend, he chose me. 

I still was in a bit of shock. I hadn't seen her coming because I had my head in my bag. And when she rounded the corner and I was on the cement sidewalk, my skirt and heels were not conducive to chasing anyone.

The crowd around us began to disperse and Joe and I started walking towards the truck. I was grateful no one reacted to Lindsey screaming rape or we wouldn't be walking away right now. There was no way I was going to go back into that theater, even if we had spent twenty-odd dollars on tickets.

"So what happens now?" Joe said.

I just stared at him. My ass hurt from where I fell on it and my pride hurt from Lindsey getting away...again. I just wanted my hamster back. Getting Lindsey was vital for me to see Rex again.

And Joe. Poor Joe. I've embarassed him in front of countless numbers of people.

"Was this the first time you lost someone?" I asked Joe. I was on the verge of tears and was desperately trying to hide it.

"Honest answer? If this gets around, I'll murder you. No. When I first joined the force, I had trouble bringing in a witness. He didn't want to rat out his friends. Used to run from me every time I attempted to pick him up. Ran four times before I figured out I had to shackle his legs to keep him from running," he said.

I couldn't believe Joe ever had this issue.

"You don't need to lie to make me feel better," I said.

"Cupcake, I'd never lie about losing someone. I wouldn't want it to get around. But lets go home, and I'll make you feel better the best way I know how."

"You're taking this all better than I expected," I said.

"I'm using all of my restraint. Do not tell anyone about this," Joe warned as he unlocked the truck.

I climbed in. The last bit was in his cop tone.

I was just about to inform him that half of Trenton saw Lindsey run past Joe Morelli, super-cop, but thought better of it. I'll just let him figure it out at work tomorrow and enjoy the events tonight.

A/N: Please review. And thanks to everyone who reviewed up until now. I realize I can't send the anonymous reviewers thank you notes, so this was for you! (And more thanks to the people I already thanked. I didn't want to leave anyone out.) 


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

It was four a.m. when Morelli's pager buzzed. He cursed in the darkness and I felt him get out of bed. I didn't want to open my eyes. I didn't want to give up on my night. I wanted to bask in the glory of many Morelli-induced orgasms.

Through my eyelids I saw a light come on and heard Joe muttering into his bedside phone.

"Steph?" he said after putting the phone down. "Open an eye."

I cautiously opened my left eye. I blinked it a couple of times.

"I have to go," Joe said to my eye.

"What's up?" I said, opening my other eye and sitting up. 

"There's been another bank robbery and this one has been successful," he told me.

"Lindsey?"

"Maybe. Same MO as the botched attempt. That's all I know. Go back to sleep. I'll call when I can."

He bent down and kissed me on the forehead and hten he was gone and the overhead light was off. If Ranger was smoke, Joe Morelli was like fog; creeping in and out. And he definitely had a way of clouding my judgement, just like fog. 

I felt a little bad because I didn't get up with him, but I was totally sure that I couldn't walk after the night's activities.

I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep, but my mind wasn't having it. I sat up again and switched the bedside lamp on. Why weren't there any books or magazines in Morelli's room? Why hadn't I noticed before? Oh yeah, Morelli's room was for two things only: sex and sleeping. There would never be a need for a book in a Morelli man's room...ever.

I stood up and stretched. Joe would probably be angry that he missed me doing this naked. I pulled on one of Joe's discarded t-shirts and a pair of panties from my my Macy's bag in the closet.

The rest of the house, as usual, was very dark. I felt the wall when I got to the bottom of the stairs and the whole hall way lit up when my hand hit the lightswitch.

I smiled at the random pieces of clothing that littered the lower level of Joe's house. And surprisingly enough, the bra, boxers and pair of pants didn't seem that out of place against Aunt Rose's old linoleum floor. (But I'll bet the shirt stuck to the bush outside the front door seemed pretty odd...)

While Joe was now a proud homeowner, he didn't have all that much time for home improvements yet. Aunt Rose's old curtains still hung at the windows and her welcome mat, faded and dirty, still greeted people on the front porch.

I realized I'd left my phone in my purse when I got home. But when I came in the front door, my bra was in my hand and Joe's hands were under my skirt. It didn't really matter where my cell phone went at that point.

But now that I had some free time, I would plug in and charge it.

I reached into my bag to pull it out and noticed that I had three missed calls from my mother and a voicemail.

I dialled the number to listen to my message.

"Stephanie, it's your mother. It's about three thirty and your grandmother isn't home yet. Have you heard from her? I'll be awake until I hear from one of you." Click.

"Damn," I said to no one.

I dialled my mother's number and she answered after half a ring.

"Hello?" she said. For it being four in the morning, my mother sounded awfully awake.

"Hi mom," I yawned.

"Is she with you?" she asked.

"No."

"Where are you?"

"Morelli's."

Silence. I could hear her crossing herself over the phone.

"Could she be at your apartment?" my mom said after another beat.

"She doesn't have a key. When did she leave?" I asked.

"Seven thirty. She was going to a viewing at Stiva's and she was going to a gig."

"A gig?"

"With Sally Sweet's band," my mother sighed.

I'd forgotten about the band thing.

"I'm sure she's fine," I said.

"Will you go look for her?"

Uh oh. I could barely walk and I had on no pants.

"She's your grandmother," she said before I had a chance to answer.

"I know. I'll go," I said. "Don't worry."

"And put some pants on," she said and disconnected.

I went back around through the hallway and climbed the stairs.

I hunted down a pair of jeans, a stretchy t-shirt and my boots. I went back downstairs and gathered my coat and bag. But I was hit with a sad realization. I had no car. Mine was still several blocks away at my apartment building. I didn't have the time, engery or courage to walk in the dark and cold to go back to my car.

Joe took his truck, so I was out of luck. Except for the Ducati. But Joe would murder me for taking the Duc out, especially without asking.

The last time I'd even been near it, we'd had a ten minute argument about who was getting to drive.

I wondered where he kept the keys. I needed a mode of transportation and this was my only option. To hell with whatever Joe would say to me later.

I rooted around in every kitchen drawer and checked all the usual places that someone would hang a keyring. No luck anywhere.

'Okay,' I thought. 'Where would Joe Morelli leave a set of keys that he didn't want me to find?' It would hae to be somewhere I didn't usually go.

With the cleaning supplies!

I darted over and opened the cupboard door. Hoorah! A single keyring with two keys on it hung on nail. It appeared to go to a motorcycle. I did a dance of joy because I was smarter than Morelli. Well, right now I was smarter.

I grabbed my bag and exited through the back door. I made sure it was locked and walked over to the Ducati that was underneath a drop cloth that was against the house.

I pulled off the drop cloth and smiled. It was still as awesome as ever. 

I climbed on and started the ignition. It rumbled underneath me, sending the vibrations throughout my body. If I didn't know better, I'd say Morelli rigged this machine to do that. I'm sure when he gets bored he sits and thinks of new ways to give me a sexual experience. 'Course, he doesn't need to, the old ways work just fine.

I motored around the corner of the house slowly, but I realized I didn't know where to start looking for Grandma Mazur.

Okay, she was out with Sally Sweet, so...

I headed down the street in the direction of Sally's new apartment.

...To be continued...

A/N: Please review! 


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

I wasn't so sure where Sally Sweet actually lived now. I hadn't seen him since he moved out of my parents house. I know it was a row house in middle class area much like the Burg on the other side of town. But after that, I was essentially lost.

So I cruised down all possible locations looking for a house that looked like it had a transvestite rocker living in it. Unfortunately, or fortunately for their inhabitants, the houses all looked normal and quiet.

Down the fifth street, I believe I hit my mark. There was a two-story row house with every light in the house blazing. I silently hoped that was the only thing blazing in there.

I stopped the bike next to the front porch. That's right, I drove the Duc right up the front walk. I was already gonna be dead for borrowing the thing, I didn't want to get it stolen, too.

I stomped up the three porch steps and peered into the side windows. And I was utterly horrified.

Now, just to be perfectly clear, most things didn't scare me anymore. Many, many bad things have occured over a short period of time and I was definitely toughening up. But there was nothing in this world that could have prepared me for the sight of my Grandma Mazur holding a joint as Sally Sweet, in full drag still, rolled another.

I stepped back, took a deep breath and put my fingers to the corners of both eyes to stop their twitching.

Then I put my boot to the door and for once it swung open.

Sally shrieked and tossed the joint, while Grandma continued to sit and started to silently giggle.

"Sally! What the hell!" I screamed.

"Stephanie!?" he said while squinting at me through the smokey haze.

"Yeah. What the hell is my grandmother doing high?"

"She wanted to see what its like," Sally answered.

"Why does she have purple hair?" I asked while takin the joint from her hand and putting it out in the ashtray on the coffee table.

I decided not to wait for an answer. I was hoisting Grandma up by the armpits. She looked at me for a second before she finally spoke.

"I think I'm going to be sick," she said. And then she was sick. She puked all over Sally Sweet's rhinestone pumps.

But I don't suppose Sally noticed. He was falling over an end table, still apparently scared of my sudden presence.

"Grandma," I said. "We're going."

I led grandma out of the house and out to the Duc.

I couldn't decide if I really wanted to call my mother and explain what was going on with Grandma Mazur. Wasn't getting high one of the seven deadly sins?

I decided to push that problem to the back burner and attempt to get Grandma safely home while riding on a motorcycle.

Where could I take her where I knew she could be safe as she came out of her drug-induced euphoria?

I hadn't been to my apartment so there was zero food. That meant if a certain someone developed a case of the munchies, they were SOL. 

My mother would murder her on the spot, so my last option was Joe's house.

But what would I tell my mother?

I had just hoisted my grandmother onto the back of the Duc when my cell rang.

"Where are you?" It was Joe.

"Your place."

"Care to try that again?" Joe asked.

"Out."

"At five o'clock in the morning? I thought I told you to go back to sleep."

"I tried. And failed. I had to go find my grandma anyway."

"What did you drive? Did you walk back to your apartment building?"

"Um..."

"Because one of my neighbors paged me and said someone was in my backyard taking my motorcycle," Joe said.

"Oh, really?" I said.

"I thought you were supposed to be a great liar?" he asked, almost laughing.

"I thought you were better at hiding things."

"You would know, Cupcake. So you went looking under the sink?"

"Leave no stone unturned," I replied.

"Do I want to know why you had to go find your grandmother?" Joe asked.

"If I tell you, will you promise not to arrest her?"

"I don't want to hear it. When you go back to the house will you make sure there's a couple extra bottles of Maalox in the medicine cabinet?"

"No problem," I said. I was going to have plenty of time baby-sitting my grandma, so of course I could check for the Maalox. I'd probably even have time to get some more if he was out. 

I disconnected at turned to the current problem.

I realized quickly that getting Grandma Mazur home was going to be difficult. More difficult than locating her and more difficult than prying the wacky tobacky from her hand. She wasn't even remotely lucid as I attempted to get her on the back of the motorcycle. How could I expect her to hang on? I needed help.

Joe was at work, so that left Ranger and Lula. Ranger would be easier to get a hold of at this time of night, but Lula would stop making fun of me...eventually. Ranger would probably be laughing at me forever if I called him for this tonight.

So, holding grandma with one arm, I duge for my phone again and dialled Lula once I'd retrieved it.

"What the hell are you doing, calling and waking me up at five in the morning?" She said once she'd arrived.

She hadn't taken the time or made the effort to get dressed. For the first time, Lula was dressed in normal people clothes. She had on a pair of loose cotton pajamas that actually flattered rather than clung to every curve. They were even a pale shade of pink that complimented her skin tone.

I must have been staring.

"What are you looking at?" she snapped. Lula was clearly cranky before 10 a.m.

"Nothing," I replied.

"'Cause if you're laughing at my bynny slippers, I'll kick your bony butt to kingdom come. And leave you," she said.

I was smiling. Lula'd never beaten anyone in her life and could barely see straight, let alone actually shoot anyone and kill them.

Truth be told, I wasn't really even smirking at the slippers, but they really added to the ensemble. It was the simple fact that I wasn't looking at Lula's gigantic boobs or butt crack. I didn't know how to react to a fully-dressed Lula.

In the time that Lula and I stood talking about her bunny slippers, Grandma had somehow wandered back towards Sally's house. 

I jogged back up the steps and grabbed her by the arm. She giggled and snorted.

"No, Grandma. We're not going back to see Sally," I explained.

"Why not?" she said.

"Whoa, whoa. Is your Grandma high?" Lula laughed.

"Oh, hell yes. She played with Sally's band tonight and hasn't been home yet," I said.

Lula was doubled over and laughing and gasping for air.

"So would now be a bad time to ask you about Lindsey Faust?" Lula said.

"Now would probably be the worst time to ask me about Lindsey."

"Where'd you get the bruises on your wrists?" Lula said after helping me haul Grandma into the backseat of her Firebird.

I smiled again. Morelli'd had an extra set of handcuffs laying around his house.

"Nothing," I answered. I wasn't about to tell Lula all the horny details about the debt I owed Morelli.

"So where are we taking the old lady?" Lula asked.

"Back to Morelli's house. I'll take her home after she's slept off the pot."

"Officer Hottie won't like finding granny on his couch."

"He's already pissed that I borrowed his bike without asking," I said. "And he'd like it even less if I had to use his house as collateral to bond he out of jail."

"I can't wait to find out what your punishment'll be. I'll follow you over there."

A/N: Please review. I really DO love reviews. 


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Grandma was open-mouthed snoring when we got her to Morelli's house. We were going to have to carry her to the door and inside.

"If she wasn't snoring, I'd think she was dead," Lula said. "She even sorta smells dead."

I didn't want to smell Grandma Mazur, but I was curious. I took a big whiff as I hauled her bony shoulders from the car. Sure enough, she smelled kind of dead. I think it was the booze, pot and cheap hair dye that made her smell that way. And to top it all off, her scalp was stained purple and resembled a furry Easter egg. Note to self: If I choose to dye my hair purple, buy more expensive hair dye.

"But she's snoring. Dead people don't snore, do they?" I asked, slightly uncertain of myself.

"Do I look like an expert on dead people? Hell no. I am expert on most everything else, but not dead people. So if this old lady is really dead, I would like to stop touching her," Lula announced.

I kicked the back door of the Firebird shut and angled around a short fence in Morelli's front yard.

Then, inconvienently, Morelli's nosy neighbor came out her front door with her cat. This old woman was friends with my grandmother and frequently took her cat ouf for walks by carrying it. I'm assuming this was the same woman who called Joe and told him about the Ducati.

"Stephanie Plum?" she asked cautiously.

"Yes," I apprehensively answered. 

"Is that your grandmother?" she asked.

"Uh...yes," I said.

"She looks dead. Is she dead?"

"Nope," I smiled.

"Sure looks dead."

"She's not dead!" I shouted. Some people need to mind their own business.

Right on cue, my grandmother woke up and struggled against us.

"Where am I?" she said.

"Joe Morelli's front yard," I answered. "Say hello to Mrs. Patterson and we'll take you inside."

Grandma's gaze shifted from me to Mrs. Patterson. She gave a half-hearted wave, which Mrs. Patterson returned, and allowed us to carry her into the house.

Mrs. Patterson continued to stare at us, absentmindedly stroking the million year old cat in her arms.

Grandma sort of looked stunned as Lula and I tossed her onto the couch. We tossed her partially because of the smell and the simple fact that she was slipping anyway. And I almost burst out laughing at the look in her face.

"So is someone going to explain what's going on?" Grandma said.

"Why were you getting high with Sally Sweet?" I said.

But there was no time to answer because something hard thudded against the front door. Before I had time to react, someone yelled "shit" from far away. Of course, someone screaming obscenities around me wasn't new, but this was odd because it was followed by a car door slamming and said car screeching away.

I cautiously headed to the front door. I didn't know if I really wanted to open the door, but the part of my brain that let me do stupid things was working on overtime. And besides, whatever was supposed to happen, didn't, so I was probably safe.

On the front step laid a big, red brick with a not rubber-banded around it. Whoever threw it had a terrible arm.

Morelli would probably still be pissed, they didn't blow up the house, but they knicked the paint on the front door. And Morelli had just slapped a fresh coat of paint on it not that long ago. Maybe he wouldn't notice.

The note rubber-banded on the brick was the same light pink as the ransom note found in my apartment. I could only assume it came from Mrs. Faust. And I wasn't disappointed when I opened it.

Ms. Plum, You're not any closer to getting your rodent back. In fact, you're working your way further back. At this rate, you'll never see the furry beast again until he's dead. And honey, he looks hungry. Get my daughter back to me by Sunday or your poor little animal dies.

Miranda Faust

I saw black dots dancing in front of my eyes and I could feel the tears welling up. She was probably watching the house, right now, wating to follow me and torment me more. This was all so unfair. I don't have Lindsey. But I do need to find her.

"Hey, are you all right?" Lula asked. 

"Yeah, I'll be fine."

"Well, I'm gonna get outta here. Granny looks hungry and she's staring at me like I"m lunch," she said and pushed past me and out the door.

Great. Now Lula's afraid of my grandmother.

I locked the door behind me and turned my focus back to grandma. I still hadn't called my mom about her. Shit. She's probably ironed everything five or six times.

It was six o'clock in the morning, but I thought I'd chance it to call.

My mother answered after the first ring.

"Did you find her?" she asked. She sounded exhausted.

"How did you know it was me?" I asked.

"Mother's ESP. Did you find her?"

"Yes. I have her. She...was tired when she went back to Sally's house, so she took a nap. Lost track of time. That's all," I lied.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Positive well, that's what grandmother says," I told her, eyeing the sleeping woman on the couch. "She's fine."

"Where is she now? Are you bringing her home?"

"She was still really tired when I got her back to Morelli's. You can come pick her up in about an hour."

"I'll be there around seven-thirty. And do not coach her on what to say," she said and disconnected.

Shit. She knows I was lying. Now I only had an hour to get her cleaned up and ready for my mother.

An hour later, I was blow drying grandma's hair. I'd managed to wash out the purple dye, but it left a ring of faded, purple in the tub. Her clothes still reeked of pot and what I assumed was vodka or burbon because an hour was not enough to wash them.

When my mother rang the bell, relief washed over me. Why was I struggling to keep this a secret? My mother wouldn't yell at me. I didn't let my grandmother out. My grandmother was crazy and my mom was fully aware of her mental capacity.

Now, my mother has never been inside Joe Morelli's house. I'd pulled the shirt from the bush outside and picked up the random articles of clothing inside as I found them. But my mother still appeared to know what went on last night and most nights before. I felt myself blushin, even though she hadn't said a single thing.

Her pursed lips meant she didn't quite approve of my living arrangements. Of maybe it was the whole house. Unless my mtoher decided to voice her opinon, it would never be known. And since Joe was so polite, she'd probably never make a disbaraging comment.

"Joseph's house is...nice," she said.

I didn't know how to respond. I should probably say nothing and live in fear of my mother.

Grandma stumbled around the corner a moment later.

"I'm starved. Let's get some breakfast. Pancakes, toast, bacon, you name it and it sounds great."

My mom looked at me and then looked back at Grandma. She knew something was up. I wasn't going to lie again if directly asked, but wasn't going to volunteer any information either.

She gathered Grandma and pushed her out the door.

"I'm making pot roast and mashed potatoes for supper. You and Joseph should come," she said. "And by the way, there's a big chip in Joseph's front door. He should get that taken care of." 


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

The last thing I wanted to do was call. Joe and tell him we were expected for supper. In fact, sleeping on a bed of nails and having dental work done ranked hight on my list of things to do.

And there was only so many more times that I could promise Joe sex before it wasn't a fair trade anymore.

I decided to tackle the purple hair dye ring in the bathtub before calling him. Maybe I'd even clean the whole house. After all, I was wide awake and nothing to do. 

By eleven, the bathroom was scrubbed clean, as well as all carpets vaccumed and the refridgerator had been emptied of all take out containers and old milk.

I was bored. Bored. More bored than I had ever been.

But I still had to figure out where Lindsey was hiding. I doubted that she'd ever return to the megaplex but I should follow up on that later anyway.

I went upstairs and stopped in the third bedroom, or what Morelli referred to as his office. I went through the desk drawers until I found a legal pad and a pen and sat down.

I had no clue where Lindsey could be hiding and had no clue where Miranda could be hiding.

Then I wondered. How could I get in touch with Miranda?

I remembered Arnold Faust. I'll bet he's got numbers for both of them.

I should just call him. I know I should, but wouldn't it be friendlier if I went over to his house?

I went down the short hall to the bathroom and proceeded to clean myself up. I was going on the theory that pretty girls get whatever they way. The only time it's ever worked is with Joe, but ehy, I could try.

I walked back to my car that afternoon. I climbed in and switched into my high heels, then I sniffled. I told myself it was because the new shoes pinched, but it was really because I looked up at my apartment window. It was so sad that Rex was still out there somewhere, totally missing me.

I drove clear across town once more, ready to do some serious sweet talking. I silently hoped that he was at his office and I could just go home.

I thought about Arnold, Price Charming, and his maid, Amy. Something was extremely familiar about her and I just couldn't figure it out. 

I pulled up to the gates, like yesterday, and was admitted once more without question.

Amy, still in her four inch heels, led me into the sitting room and I again waited for Arnie to arrive.

I stood when he entered. He was still handsome today.

"Please have a seat," he said, and taking one himself. "I didn't expect to hear from you so soon."

"I'm glad I caught you at home. Do you have cell phone numbers for Lindsey or Miranda?" I asked, smiling flirtatiously.

"Amy, please bring me my contact book," he said into a speaker beside him.

A couple awkward minutes passed and Amy returned with the book.

Then I placed her. She was the one driving Lindsey's Jeep a couple days ago.

She must have realized that I recognized her, too, because she quickly excused herself from the room.

"How long has Amy been working for you?"

"About two months. She's wonderful, isn't she?" he said.

"Oh, yes."

He handed me the two numbers on the back of one of his business cards, but before I could exit, the door way was engulfed in flames.

Arnie, apparently, was afraid of fire. He leaped from his chair and was screaming like a little girl.

I looked around the room. The doorway full of flames was the only exit besides the windows. So I instantly knew which way we had to go.

"We need to break the windows and climb out," I said. I'm not a particularly brave person, but if it involves saving myself, I'm all for it.

Arnie let out a whimper of acknowledgment. So much for my Prince Charming theory.

I checked the windows. They were those awful, non-Jersey designed, non-opening windows. Who the hell in their right mind would put non-opening windows in a New Jersey household?

I searched the room for some heavy items. With my bag over my shoulder, I heaved them out the window. The glass shattered into a million pieces, creating an exit that we so desperately needed.

I pushed Arnie through and he fell to his knees, sobbing at the sight of the house burning up.

I started to search for my cell when I heard the wail of sirens in the distance. Someone had already called it in.

I didn't used to know many in the fire department, but as soon as I started dating Morelli and blowing up cars, or whichever order you prefer, they've acted like they're my best friends. So the instant that one of them noticed me looking a little cut up and coughing from some smoke inhilation. I know Joe was called.

I was being checked out by a paramedic when Joe's SUV pulled up. He got out and threw a confused expression my way. I had managed to save my car, but this guy was homeless now.

"So what happened this time?" Joe said, once he'd trekked over. "Why were you here?"

"I think his maid is an accomplice of Lindsey's," I said. And then I coughed. Not one of those cute 'excuse me' coughs, but one of those loud barking, hacking coughs that six pack a day smokers do. You know, the kind that everyone tries to ignore and you try to pretend that it wasn't your phlegm and spit that was flying from your throat. I was incredibly embarassed, but to Morelli's credit, he didn't even bat an eye. I was hacking away, getting little droplets of spit o the badge hanging around his neck, and he just stood there. I didn't realize I'd inhaled so much smoke. Eventually, Joe started to pat me on the back to help slow me down and a bottle of water appeared out of nowhere.

Some hours later, I was still sitting across the table from Morelli, going over the story for a tenth time.

"You went over to Arnold Faust's house because..." Joe started.

"I need to get any cell phone numbers that either of them might be reached at. I need to get a hold of one or bother of them," I explained.

"I don't want to sound insensative here, Cupcake, but its just a hamster. We can get you a new hamster."

"I don't want a new hamster. I want Rex. And whether or not you say you're not trying to be insensative, you are. Are we finished?"

"No, we're not. I am not going to risk you over a hamster. Clearly, if Amy the maid has anything yo do with Lindsey, she's going to be wanted for arson."

"You know it was arson?" I asked, still angry at Joe.

"Yeah. Firemen at the scene found match books and an ignitor outside the sitting room door."

"So someone had to have started it?"

"Of course. And otherwise, I'd say it was because of Arnold, but I think this particular fire--"

"And the brick thrown at your door that chipped the paint..."

"...Is because of you," he finished. "What brick? My front door?"

He was really trying not to do the Italian cop thing at me. He didn't want to yell and scream and wave his arms while his buddies were around, but his face was turning red. Might as well drive it all home.

"And my mother expects us at dinner in," I stopped to check my watched, "an hour."

"No," he said sternly.

"What do you mean 'no'? It wasn't a question," I replied.

"I said no. Meaning, I am not going. I cannot be around your family tonight. And neither can you. Your mother will have heard about the fire and be crossing herself. They'll wonder why you wore your fuck me heels to meet Arnold Faust."

"So that's waht this is all about. You think I'm wearing these shoes for Arnold?"

To Be Continued... 


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

So Morelli thought I had put on the heels because I had a thing for Arnold Faust. Clearly, he didn't understand my 'pretty girl' theory.

"Do you honestly think, given the choice between you and a man named Arnie that I would choose the man in more expensive shoes than my own?" I asked.

Joe realized how ridiculous this sounded and his angry, and jealous, face broke into a smile.

"Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm going to your parent's house for dinner," Joe said breaking the moment of silence.

Truthfully, I didn't want to go over to my parent's house either. I didn't want to explain my cough, the smoke smell, or my shoes. But I also didn't want to think hard enough to come up with a good lie to tell.

It seemed much easier to just go over and answer the questions.

"The only way out is an official excuse note," I sighed.

"I'll do you one better," he replied and picked up his cell phone.

"Hello, Mrs. Plum? Yes, this is Joseph," he cringed.

Joe was quiet for a moment as he listened to my mother.

"…Yes…about dinner…" he started. "Steph and I aren't going to be able to make it. There's going to be another investigation of her apartment and she is required to be there."

There was some more silence on our end, occasionally punctuated by Joe's 'uh-huhs' and 'rights' as my mother continued to talk.

"Oh, I'm sure she'll be pleased," Joe said before saying goodbye and disconnecting.

I looked at him expectantly as he put his phone away.

"She's disappointed, but understands. But she does wonder why it always has to be _her_ daughter. And here's some good news, your sister is coming into town next week with the girls."

"This is starting to get overwhelming," I said.

"Starting? Your sister is what's overwhelming right now? Let's recap: The FTA you went after has eluded you two times, her mother stole your hamster because she _thought_ you locked her daughter up, and you burned some poor schmuck's house down."

"You're forgetting that my grandmother was singing back up for a transvestite and getting high with him and _everyone_ knows why I divorced Dickie."

"I thought you were over that mess. Besides, everyone knows because you were front page news," Joe replied. "And I think it was covered in the sport's section once or twice."

"That marriage was the longest and worst fifteen minutes of my life," I said.

"What were the best? Was I there?" Joe laughed.

"Yes. I was running you over with a car," I said.

"Well maybe Joyce'll go to dinner at your parents for you tonight," Morelli said back.

I decided not to respond to that and continue moaning about my life.

"This has been too much for one week," I said. "Too much."

"Well, we're finished here. We'll get a couple of meatball subs from Pino's and relax in front of the TV," Joe said, offering me a hand to help me stand up.

Somewhere, deep down, I knew I loved Joe Morelli. It didn't matter that I couldn't even form the words. And I felt extremely lucky that he had some sort of feelings for me. I mean, with Joe, what's not to like? He's usually thoughtful and he had the best ass in all of Trenton. Even though his dark hair was always a little too long and he had a five o'clock shadow at noon, he was gorgeous. And currently his lean, six foot tall frame was holding the door open for me.

"I have to get these shoes off," I said as I limped out the door. "They're killing me."

"How 'bout when we get home, you leave the shoes on and everything else can come off? I'll make you forget about the pain," Joe whispered in my ear.

I shivered, both from the thought and from the soft whisper. My feet throbbed, but sacrifices could be made.

"What did Arnold say when he was questioned?" I asked once I was safely tucked into Morelli's SUV.

"That you were about to perform acts of a sexual nature for and to him," Joe said.

My mouth dropped open. "He said _what_?"

"Sorry, sorry," Joe said, laughing. "I just wanted to see your face. He did say he was going to ask you. And I asked him why he told me that. He said I terrified. Long story short: he about shit himself."

I smacked Morelli hard in the shoulder as he drove us home, but that just make him laugh more. So there was still some of the immature 'I wanna peek under your dress' Morelli still in him. I wasn't sure if I was disgusted for a little turned on. I suppose from the warm sensation creeping through me, it was the latter.

We pulled up alongside Pino's and Morelli started to angle himself out of the SUV. I sat long enough to watch him butt then turned back to getting myself out.

Morelli pushed the button on his key ring and clicked the door locks

"Cupcake, you stay," he said.

"What? Why?" I said, my blood pressure rising a tad at being commanded to do something like a dog would be.

"Because I want to slip in and out quickly. And you're dressed like a hooker. And…the list is too long. Please just sit tight? I'll be back in five minutes," Joe said.

I sat back and pouted with my arms across my chest as he walked away.

I couldn't believe the man took the keys and locked me in. Like I really felt like going anywhere. I would have to go barefoot.

But isn't it always the same? Whenever I feel exhausted and just completely done, the one thing I need shows up.

Lindsey's mom, Miranda, was down the block coming out of the bar. Damn. I never have keys when I need them. How could I follow her?

I tossed my shoes in the backseat and unlocked the door. Pushing open the door, all I could do was push the anger back so I could see straight.

I was barefoot, running down the street, heading straight for my mark.

Before Faust even could see me, I knocked her over with a flying tackle. I could feel my cut and scraped knees and hands as well as Miranda's acrylic nails scratching and clawing. By the time she started cursing and spitting, someone was hauling me to my feet by the scruff of my neck.

I rounded on whoever it was.

"Babe," Ranger said as I attempted to swing as he continued to hold me.

"Let me at her!" I yelled at the woman in front of me.

"Where are your shoes?" he asked, mildly amused.

"In Morelli's SUV," I said. "Please, let me at her."

Miranda was being held by Tank. She looked angrier than I did. Her frizzy hair was a mess and she had a fat lip. Did I do that?

"Cupcake, what did you do this time?" Joe said, walking up with a bag from Pino's.

"Officer Morelli?" Miranda said. "I'd like to press assault charges."


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Both Ranger and Joe looked from me to Miranda and back to me once more. I was sore everywhere, including my scalp. I put my hand to my head. Yes, it was tender. I think she pulled out a good-sized chunk of hair when we flipped over the third time.

Ranger was obviously trying to decide if it was a good idea to let me go. And Joe was still standing there, holding the Pino's bag and attempting (failing miserably) not to laugh.

I could hear my mother's voice in my head. "Why can't I have a normal daughter? A daughter that doesn't attack people on the street?" I wondered myself how my life had gotten so out of control. When did I become someone who fights with people on the street, or anywhere?

In my head the seconds ticked away until my mother would get her first phone call and be informed of the incident. No one was out though, so the odds were in my favor.

"Officer Morelli, I would really like to get the paperwork started," she said, grinning maliciously at me like a trailer park Cheshire Cat.

Joe looked at me and back to Miranda. "All right, Mrs. Faust, we can go down to the station to make a formal complaint."

Tank released the bedraggled-looking woman and she brushed herself off as if to remove the Tank cooties.

She smiled at me once more and then took off running away from us. Who knew the woman could run like that?

Ranger nodded to Tank and he started to follow her as we were all standing there awestruck. Okay, I was probably the only awestruck one.

"There isn't anyone who just witnessed this, was there?" Joe asked.

"No one but us," Ranger answered.

I wondered how that was possible out here in Jersey.

"Then as far as I am concerned, none of this happened," Joe said.

Ranger nodded in agreement as Tank walked back to us.

He didn't say anything. We just understood that he'd lost her.

In the silence of the situation, we all heard something. A faint squeaking sound was coming from the row of cars on the street next to us. The sound was a quieter version of Rex's wheel turning.

I started to quietly pad around each one of the vehicles parked alongside the road.

By the fifth car, I was convinced I was crazy. None of the cars had a sound coming from them. I was extremely discouraged.

Just as I started to walk away, we all heard the sound again.

I immediately turned to look at Ranger and Joe. Rex had to be in this last car. My poor baby! In that lady's trunk!

Now who had a crow bar so I could get him out? Never mind, I would just claw him out with my fingernails if I had to.

I started to bang on the trunk with my fists, but someone tapped me on the shoulder and handed me a crowbar. I didn't think to stop and look at the person; I was a woman on a mission.

But as I held the crowbar, I realized I had never used one. I was crowbar-deficient.

I turned around and pouted and held out the tool. Someone else was going to have to pop the trunk for me.

Ranger took the crowbar and effortlessly popped the trunk lid. I was focused on opening the trunk, but could hear Morelli cringing behind me. I knew he was wishing he wasn't there. And if someone caught us we would all be in deep trouble. I started shaking, partly from fear, partly from the idea of being jail…with no shoes.

I finally brought myself to look inside once I saw the disappointed looks on everyone's faces. Rex's cage, can and wheel were all there, but no Rex. Somehow this woman had rigged the wheel to a motor to make it turn periodically.

I couldn't help what happened next. I let out a scream that echoed down the street and bounced off of buildings. I even think a car alarm was going off somewhere in the distance because of me. Tank, who had been handed the crowbar, dropped it on his foot and Morelli looked like he was ready to drop the bag of food and draw his gun.

I turned to look at all three of them. Each looked like they were terrified that I might kick them in the crotch or scream or murder them.

"What now?" I said to no one in particular.

"We go home and eat our now cold meatball subs and drink our warm beer," Morelli replied, shifting the bag to one arm and putting his newly freed arm around my shoulders. "Are you two coming?" he asked Ranger and Tank.

"We have business to attend to," Ranger said and they both started to walk away.

I stomped again in anger and burst into tears.

"Cupcake, we'll find him. Rex will be returned safely to you," Joe said consolingly.

"It's not that currently. I stepped on some glass," I sobbed. I balanced on my good foot and picked the other one up to show Joe. Sure enough, I was bleeding.

Joe held out his free arm and helped me hop back to the car. Even though he was silently laughing at me all the way back to the car, it proved once more to me that he was a good man. A good man definitely would always help you limp back to the car because you cut your foot.

"You know, you wouldn't have had this problem had you not removed your shoes," Joe said.

"Not helping, Captain Obvious," I said back.

"Sorry," he snickered. "Do you want to go to the ER or do you want me to look after it?"

I was angry that he was laughing, but Morelli's offer sounded intriguing.

"Well, what do you propose you could do for me, Doctor Morelli?"

"I thought you wouldn't be up for any of that tonight?" Joe said.

"Well, I did read somewhere that having sex, a lot of it, will get your mind off of missing hamsters and injured feet."

"Where did you read that?"

"Why?" I giggled.

"Because I want to send them a thank you card," Joe said and drove us back home for a night of debauchery to take my mind off my missing pet.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

I, Stephanie Plum, should be named sex goddess of New Jersey. Joe had been right. He had helped me with my foot and everything else. For the night, my problems were forgotten.

But, just like each morning, my problems returned. And this time, I had an extra batch.

After my night in heaven, or at least somewhere near it, I had woken up alone. And I was cold.

In fact, I felt like I might be coming down with something. That's it! No more low-cut tops and mini-skirts for me. Morelli'd be angry, but from now on, I was covering up to stay warm in flannel and jeans and possibly long underwear because, man, was I frozen solid.

I grabbed the sheet and wrapped it around me like a toga. It was time to change the sheets anyway.

In the bathroom, I turned the water on and let it warm up; there was no way I was going to get near the cold stuff.

When it had finally warmed up (It took forever. I need to remind Joe to have his water heater checked out.) I stood under the boiling hot water until it was gone.

I climbed out and finger combed my hair to cover up my bald spot. I silently cursed Miranda once more. Currently, all my problems were a direct result of Lindsey and her evil mother. I was contemplating their demise when Joe's house phone rang.

Do I answer it? It was probably a telemarketer. I decided to throw caution to the wind and pick it up.

"Hello?" I said, pressing the phone between my head and shoulder so I could get dressed.

I had my jeans to my knees when the other person spoke.

"What do you think I should do with your goofy furball first?"

Miranda.

I was stunned into silence.

"I'm thinking of handing him over to my neighbor's cat."

"Your daughter isn't in jail. I never caught her. She ran away."

"You're lying. You'd say anything to see Roy again."

"Rex."

"Whatever," Miranda replied.

"I'm not lying. Lindsey was at work two nights ago. I saw her. Spoke to her. She's just hiding out."

"Well, even if she isn't really in jail. I've decided you've caused me. Things that mean the most, guilty or innocent, should never be taken away," Miranda explained.

"No. Guilty people should be punished," I said.

"You _are_ being punished, dear. You'll understand once your rodent is delivered back to you in pieces."

"No!" I yelled. But it was to no avail. All I was getting was dial tone.

That's it. I had to use all means necessary. I was going to need Lula, Joe and Ranger all working together.

My first call would be Lula. She would be my ally in my war against the Faust's.

And, of course, she was.

Lula showed up at Joe's house, trunk of her red Firebird full of guns and ammunition.

"This is all registered, right?" I asked her.

"Uh-hunh," she said. "Oh, you're serious."

"I take that as a no," I sighed.

"Where do you think I'd get the moolah to pay to register all these fine firearms? Besides, Connie sent them with me. She sent us her best wishes in catching those bitches," Lula smiled.

So the guns were registered in limbo. These "fine firearms" were property of Vincent Plum Bail Bonds. Some were probably registered, at some point. Others were probably stolen, twice over, then used as collateral.

Of course, it shouldn't matter that these guns aren't registered. We weren't going to shoot anything. We just needed them to look tough.

"So, Stephanie Plum, woman on a mission, what is the plan? How we gonna get your rat back? We gonna bust down some doors or pop a cap in their asses?"

"Well, first, Rex is a hamster…"

"You keep saying that," Lula said.

"Because it's true. And two, I haven't the faintest clue. I was sorta hoping you'd help me figure it out. And if we can't come up with anything, we could call Ranger," I said.

"You're telling me that you don't have a plan?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying."

"You're completely out of your mind. You shoulda said that when you called. You never bring a desperate woman guns. It ends in a life sentence in a maximum security prison."

She shut her trunk quickly.

"We need to brainstorm over a bucket of chicken before we go running off, doin' something stupid."

"Usually you're up for shooting anything," I said.

"Yeah, 'cept this time it'd be over a hamster. I ain't doin' no time for a hamster."

I didn't think I wanted to do time for rescuing a hamster either. I missed Rex, but I didn't think I could comfortably live in the require orange jumpsuit or shower with a bunch of other women.

However, a dead Miranda would be a great rap sheet. I'd actually be doing New Jersey, and the rest of the world, a favor.

But I didn't want to make a habit of shooting people. Truth be told, violence was actually the last thing on my mind, if you ignore last night's flying tackle.

"So, are we going to get that chicken?" Lula asked. "I'm on an all chicken diet and it's about time for me to eat."

"Sure, let's go," I said. I wasn't particularly hungry, but maybe by the time we were in the parking lot I'd change my mind.

It was hard not to be nervous riding in Lula's car with a trunk full of guns.

She couldn't drive for shit when she danced to the loud rap music on her stereo. I was terrified we'd get pulled over. 'Course, the cop would take one look at Lula and completely forget why he pulled us over in the first place.

You see, I'd failed to mention, because of how big a fashion mistake it is, Lula's current outfit. Lula had on a spandex t-shirt that was stretched within an inch of its life. It was an unflattering shade of burgundy with two gigantic sequined watermelons on top of her gigantic watermelons. And believe it or not, spelled out in gold and silver sequins, was the word "juicy". She was wearing a matching gold sequined and fringed mini-skirt a la Tina Turner. Unfortunately, instead of looking like Tina, she looked like she swallowed Tina.

I hoped for Lula's sake, this chicken diet worked out. But I had a strange feeling that fried chicken didn't count.

We ordered from the drive-thru window. I told Lula I didn't feel dressed up enough to be seen eating with her, but obviously, I didn't want to be seen with her in the mini-skirt. I suspected, because it was so mini, that if she bent over, I'd get the whole show, and I just wasn't prepared for that today.

We parked in the side parking lot and opened up our bags. We'd gotten two big buckets of extra crispy and two large fries. And, because being thirsty is a terrible feeling, we each got a coke and a chocolate shake.

Now it was time to formulate a search plan and get back my hamster.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

It would have appeared to anyone besides Lula and I that our trip to Cluck-in-a-Bucket was futile and entirely useless. It ate up a chunk of our day and it would seem that we had no plan.

But in the two hours we spent stuffing ourselves, Lula and I planned what _not_ to do.

We couldn't storm her house because it was empty. We couldn't follow her because she had disappeared. Arnie was a no-go because Morelli had terrified him and I had sort of burned down his house.

Basically, we were going to eventually end up with some kind of plan through process of elimination.

We had just started making an actual written list when my cell rang.

"Hello?" I said.

"Cupcake," Joe said.

"Hello, Joe," I smiled into the receiver.

"We think we found Lindsey's hideout."

"Really? Where?" I asked excitedly.

"I can't tell you yet. You'd go and mess things up," Joe said.

"Gee, thanks. I'm really flattered."

"Cupcake, you know full well wit that kind of information, you would take matters into your own hands," he explained. "And we would be drawing chalk lines around a body that may or may not be yours." I could hear him smiling over the phone.

I don't know why he thinks I would kill someone. I hated guns and couldn't shoot to save my life.

"I suppose," I said.

"I just wanted you to know that we are actively searching. We're sending squad cars out this afternoon."

"Are you going?" I asked.

"Unfortunately, yes. I'm heading up the investigation, so I have to."

"How'd you find out about the hideout?" I asked. I was just full of questions today.

"We caught Amy the maid. She was grocery shopping and an off-duty cop spotted her."

"She was dumb enough to stay in Trenton?"

"So are her cohorts. She admitted to arson and we're negotiating a deal if this lead pans out," Joe said. "But I have to go. Will you be home later?"

"Of course," I said. I mean, I'd like to be.

"I'll bring home Chinese, unless we find Miranda and/or Lindsey. You might be on your own in that case."

"Sure. Just let me know," I said.

I disconnected and turned to Lula.

"We need to find an inconspicuous car so we can follow Joe. They think they have found the place where Lindsey and her mom are hiding out," I explained.

"Officer Hottie didn't want to tell us where it was, did he?" Lula said.

"Nope. He figures we'll take business into our own hands."

"Men! Can't live with 'em," she said.

"Can't live without them?" I finished.

"No. You just can't live with 'em."

We laughed for a few minutes as we sorted out our options.

All of our cars were recognizable. Joe knew the Cavalier, Lula's Firebird and Big Blue. Our options were basically non-existent.

Then it hit me. Ranger. We could borrow one of Ranger's cars.

"I'm going to call Ranger. See if he could loan us something."

"I could do with a Batman sighting today. This might be great. In fact, I should give him a call. He'd love to hear from Lula."

"Maybe I should just call him."

"Sure. Wouldn't want to get him all excited with me calling. You should do it. Keep him calm."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked.

"Nothing. I just think I'd make him anxious."

"And I don't?"

"Ranger probably don't like skinny white girls like yourself. He probably likes fuller figured women like me."

I realized I'd have to explain a few things to Lula in order for her to understand Ranger's and my relationship. He'd seen me naked and handcuffed to my shower curtain rod. I didn't feel like explaining it, so I nodded in agreement with Lula and found my phone.

"Yo," Ranger said.

I have _never_ had Ranger pick up one of my calls.

"Yo yourself," I said.

"So why are you and Lula sitting in the parking lot of the Cluck-in-a-Bucket?"

"Nothing better to do," I said. "So…"

I hesitated. I felt stupid asking Ranger for a car.

"I need a car so I can follow Morelli and be unnoticeable and I need it quickly."

"Babe," he said.

"What?" I asked.

"I'll be there in five," he said and disconnected.

Ranger, man of few words.

But I wasn't looking for conversation. I was looking for a car.

It wasn't until later that I realized Ranger just randomly knew that Lula and I were parked at Cluck-in-the-Bucket.

In probably four and a half minutes Ranger and company arrived. There were two identical black Ford Explorers parked next to us.

I got out of the Firebird quickly and beat Lula to Ranger.

He handed me the keys.

"Is this going to come back to me in one piece?" he asked.

"Yes." Maybe.

"How about you? Are _you_ going to come back to me in one piece?"

"Most likely," I answered.

"You're going to owe me."

"Put it on my tab," I said.

He had already climbed in next to Tank before Lula removed herself from the Firebird. And when she had finally finished re-adjusting her enormous boobs in her car window's reflection, the men were speeding into the sunset.

"Hunh," she sighed. "He's gonna get it so bad the next time I see him."

"Come on, let's go."

I was praying that Joe hadn't left already. And I was praying that he wouldn't recognize this as a Ranger vehicle because I was going to get it later.

We decided to cruise past the brick building that the police officers of Trenton call home.

Hooray!

Joe's truck was idling at the curb and Joe was behind the wheel. Thank goodness these windows are severely tinted or else we'd have been spotted.

A few more minutes of waiting an another officer climbed in next to Joe. They spoke for a few moment and started to pull away.

I waited and a couple cars get in between us. I was hoping wherever it was we were going would be popular enough for a second car to be going, too.

Lula was unusually quiet.

"What's up with you?" I asked.

"It's weird to be following the cops. Usually, they're they ones following me," she explained.

We drove for a very short time. It was a new subdivision, much like the Burg. The only major difference was that it had to be twenty-five years younger than where I grew up. It was majorly anticlimactic.

They were just normal houses in a normal subdivision. In all reality, this sucked.

But I looked closer and the various cars on the street were occupied. They were unmarked cop cars.

The people that I thought were out walking together seemed to be cops, too.

This was serious.

I saw Joe and the mystery rider get out of Joe's truck and walk up to the door.

They were just going to walk into hell.

And sure enough, Miranda opened the door, then promptly slammed it in their faces.

Joe appeared to be doing some inventive Italian swearing and the man next to him looked like he agreed.

I desperately wanted to get out of the Explorer and find out what was going on. Unfortunately, that also involved Morelli seeing me and I wasn't sure I was worth it.

What was I going to do?


	17. 17The End

Chapter 17

I knew exactly what I was going to do. I was going to get out of Ranger's Explorer and bang the door down myself. I didn't care if she had enough explosives and ammunition to blow up all of New Jersey; I wanted to have it out with the woman once and for all.

Lula must have seen the maddening glint in my eye. I must have been real scary, too, because she looked like she was about to say something, but didn't know if she should or not. I would definitely vote that she shouldn't say anything. Not that anything was going to stop me.

I handed the keys to Lula and said "Are you staying with the car or coming?"

"I'd rather say 'staying' but I don't think your ass is gonna take that as an answer," she said.

She was right. Lula had come with me as back-up and she was going to ride with me in the backseat of a cop car, too.

I suppose deep down she knew she was going, but the prod in the shoulder made me feel better and got her going out the passenger door.

We must have been noisy as we climbed out of the car. I looked back to the front door where Morelli was standing and he was holding his face in his hands.

I tottered over to the poor guy and he was incredibly silent with anger

Well, for a moment.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he yelled.

"Going after my hamster. I'll go in, I don't care," I said.

"The hell you will. How did you get here?"

"I followed you."

"In what?"

What the hell. "In one of Ranger's cars."

"Detective Morelli, what's going on?" the other man asked.

"Captain Sheridan, this is Stephanie Plum, the lunatic whose hamster Miranda Faust stole."

"Lunatic? _Lunatic?_" I stuttered. I was the man's girlfriend for Pete's sake.

"Yup. Lunatic."

We were all arguing so loudly that no one noticed the stun gun appear through the mail slot in the door. And lucky me, I was closest to the front door.

I felt my legs turn to rubber and then I lost all sense of the world around me. Not a terribly unrecognizable feeling, but un-enjoyable to say the least.

When I came to, I recognized that I was in the back of an ambulance.

Lula was standing at the back doors, handcuffed to a railing. That's when I realized I was attached to the gurney with another set of handcuffs.

"Lula," I whispered.

She turned the best she could to look at me, but then she laughed.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Your _boyfriend_ let that crazy person stun gun you and then decided to get us on out of there before we could cause any more trouble," she explained.

"Did they catch her? Did they get Miranda?" I asked quickly.

"They brought her out of the house and she was armed to her nasty yellow teeth with explosives. She was gonna blow up your furry friend," Lula said.

"Have you seen him? Have you seen Rex yet?"

"Haven't seen him yet. They just went in with the bomb squad to make sure the house wasn't wired to explode. I'm thinking of getting me one of those suits," Lula said.

"Did Morelli go in, too?" I asked, interrupting her.

"No," Joe said. "He's too busy cleaning up your mess."

He handed me a shoebox.

I cautiously opened the lid. It was my baby!

I stroked his back and sighed in contented relief. Nothing else mattered. Not even the fact that Rex didn't even bother to wake up to say hello to me.

But just when I decided to be really happy, Morelli started to be really angry.

"Jesus, Stephanie, what the fuck did you think you were doing?" he asked.

"What? Let me up from the gurney," I said.

"No. It's easier to yell at you when you can't run away. I will, however, let Lula go because she didn't shoot anyone today."

He unlocked Lula's handcuffs and she turned back to me while rubbing her wrist.

"Call me when you need a ride home from the hospital."

She quickly scurried off.

"Gee, thanks!' I called after her.

"Now, back to the subject of you, Ms. Plum," Joe said. "You almost single-handedly destroyed our capture of Miranda Faust. My captain wanted to arrest you for obstruction of justice but I talked him out of it. You risked thirty cops' lives and Lula and you for that hamster," he said.

"I was desperate," I said.

"Clearly. So desperate that we all almost died. I'm not so sure that a hamster is work all that."

That did it. I started to sob. I kept my eyes focused on Rex, but it was no use. I was going to cry uncontrollably for at least a half an hour.

I glanced up and looked at how uncomfortable Joe looked. I knew he hated when I cried, but this was ten times worse.

"Cupcake…" he started. But there was nothing else to say.

He was called away to do some more paperwork on the case and I was officially loaded up in the ambulance and driven to the hospital.

When I was finally released a couple hours later, I skipped calling Lula and called my dad instead.

I knew Joe would still be dealing with the mess so I asked my dad to drop me back at Joe's house. I needed Rex's and my things. It was time I went home.

I had my things packed up within an hour and I had Rex back home in his aquarium. And after three trips to my car, I was ready to go home.

I knew I should leave a note of explanation with his key, but I couldn't figure out what I wanted to say. This was when our relationship switched back into the "off again" status and though saying nothing would actually say the most.

I left the key on the kitchen table and hustled back to my car.

Ten minutes later and I was home. I parked my Cavalier where I could see it from my apartment window and I started making trips.

Another half hour passed and I was completely back home. It honestly felt like I had never left.

Tonight I was going to sleep with Rex's aquarium in my room and tomorrow I would deal with the Morelli fall-out.

The phone rang and I figured it was Joe. I would just let the machine get it. I just wanted to relax and sit in silence. But it was my mother's voice that came on.

"Stephanie, I heard that you moved back into your apartment. We're having chicken tonight and pineapple upside down cake…"

I picked up the phone last minute and agreed to come. I'd deal with everything later. Tonight was a cake night.

_The End_

A/N: Okay, this is it for Four and a Half. Please let me know what you honestly thought. I can take the good and the bad. Also, please let me know if you think I should write another in-between story. Writing this has been a great diversion for me when I get stuck on homework.

Thanks so much to everyone who has read, reviewed, and added me as favorites. I appreciate it more than anyone could really know.

Manda


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